Lately, I have been lying around a lot; sick to my stomach and scared out of my mind that my cancer is out of remission and eating away at my insides . . . but I have thought a lot about my life, and the lives of those around me.

Why, when parents have given of themselves unselfishly; not merely feeding, clothing, and providing a roof over your head, but really gave; their time - running Scout dens, holding your head while you puked, buying you every toy and video game you ever wanted, lying next to you when you were scared to go to sleep, reading books to you by the bushel, kissing and hugging you, always letting you know how much you were loved; setting boundaries and limits, but not too many so as to stop you from learning and growing; becoming a friend who you can share a dirty joke with, talk about sex, drugs, and drinking with; who help with homework, to the point of DOING some projects for you; stuck up for you when others called you names; cried when they thought they might lose you forever . . . why do you insist on treating them with such disrespect, disregard, callousness, and anger? Why can you hurt them so much and not even care?

Why do people find each other and discover that they are so in sync with one another that they finish each other’s sentences; they love the same jokes and the same games; they can cry on each other’s shoulders; they can spend hours together doing nothing and be happy; they can disagree and argue, but their friendship lives on; why do these seemingly perfectly matched friends have to treat each other like shit and throw away the great friendship they had for something that won’t matter even days later?

Why can one person meet someone who they have a connection with, a bond with, more than a friend; they care about each other and could be happy together, but instead of showing their true feelings, they push away the person they need the most, just because they are afraid of what facing their feelings may really mean about the kind of person they, or more importantly, everyone around them, thinks they are. So they hurt the one they really love and they lose something special before it can even begin.

Why can a person be in a long-lasting, loving relationship, and still have a wandering eye? A wandering lust? Can the person not be satisfied with the wonderful thing that they have always had? Must the grass always be greener on the other side?

Why can a person have an innocent crush on another, and suddenly lose control of that crush; letting it take over and become an obsession; a fairytale that is made up in their own imagination, and only slightly resembles the actual person and life that the crush began with?

Why can we tell our overweight friend; our sister with buck-teeth; our cousin with severe acne; our daughter with a flat chest; our son with a lisp; that they are special, good-looking people and they will find their true love because for true love appearances don’t matter when we know damn well that they do?

Why when the world is getting worse every day, do we not embrace the human beings that come into our lives? Why do we not let those we love know we love them? Why do we hold grudges and lose touch with friends over petty arguments? Why can’t we give more compliments and less criticisms? Why can’t we acknowledge our own feelings, and the feelings of others, no matter how crazy they may seem? Why can’t we all admit that we are not as nice to other people as we think we are? Why can’t more people truly realize that none of us know when our clock will stop ticking? Before we get a chance to say we’re sorry? Before we get to lay that kiss on the one we have been holding back from? Before we say I love you? Before we say I forgive you? Before we make those vows? Before we say what a good friend you’ve been? Before we say I miss you?

Why . . . why . . . why?